cultivate curiosity

Cultivating curiosity is tricky. I think we are so programmed to live from our past that to be curious about what is happening as if we don't know the outcome can be one of the most challenging yet rewarding experiences of our lives.

To me expectation and curiosity go hand in hand.

How can we be curious about the outcome when we expect it to happen a certain way?

Here's a story that demonstrates how expectation plays off our history and passes it down to our children:

One spring day my teen daughter comes downstairs and is ready to go to school.

This particular morning it was already 70 degrees so I knew it would get hotter as the day progressed.

When I see her with a long-sleeved sweater on my immediate reaction is "You're going to wear that?"

Taken aback by the sharpness of my words, as if I'd slapped her in the face, she quietly walks back upstairs and puts on something different.

This day, instead of moving on as if nothing had happened, which I'm apt to do, I paused.

I created a space between her behavior (sweater on a hot day) and my reaction (which already occurred).

I went back into that space and was curious about why I reacted that way.

Within a few minutes I realized that in that moment I was actually scared for her.

I always feel uncomfortable in hot weather and tend to dress lightly.

I didn't want her to feel the same discomfort I felt and was trying to prevent that from happening to her.

Because I took the time to be with that part of me that showed up in that moment, to feel the fear of discomfort and all it's history, I have never reacted that way around weather and clothing anymore.

This doesn't mean that I won't say anything. If I know it's going to be cold or hot, I may say "Hey, you might want to reconsider your outfit based on the weather." Now the words are not emotionally charged as they had been in the moment I said, "You're going to wear that?"

My children may or may not heed my words but it won't matter either way because the fear has dissolved.

In the moment that I told my daughter to change her outfit with those words, I took away her power. I took away her power to learn something about spring weather, to learn something about herself and more importantly, I took away an opportunity to truly connect with my daughter and get to know her better.

Her body is different than mine. She may feel colder than me. She may need it in the classroom when the air conditioner is on. She may need it to cover her pants because it's that time of the month. Maybe it was a new sweater and she was excited about wearing it. Who knows?

And that's exactly the point with expectation... I expected her to feel hot like I have in the past instead of being present to the moment as is. That reaction - I was re-acting my past- left no room for curiosity.

Had I been curious that morning I may have asked her why she was wearing her sweater when the temperature was so high. She may have let me know her reason or she could have said I wasn't aware the weather would get hotter. That would have shifted our relationship.

That moment when I reacted may seem absolutely inconsequential. When we take the time to go back to our reaction and sit with the part of us that showed up in that moment, give it a voice, it creates space within us. It is in this space where transformation occurs. Our relationships shift in these small moments.

With Love,

Maria

who's showing up?

Showing up requires curiosity and compassion. Without these two magical ingredients, we may abandon ship before it ever sets sail.

I'm guilty of this. All the time. Abandoning ship, that is.

Perfect example is this website. It's been about two or three months since I wrote my last post.

I got to the point where I didn't know what else to say or how to say it.

There is an aspect of me that abandons ship when she doesn't know what to do or how to do it.

This part of me shows up at work, on this website, when cleaning certain things in the house. Even when dealing with certain relationships. She doesn't know what to do so she doesn't even show up.

This part of me, let's call her "the-one-who-abandons-ship", is one, only one aspect of myself.

I am made up of many different aspects.

I have a creative aspect, an entrepreneur aspect, a mother aspect, a teacher aspect, an angry aspect and so much more.

Some aspects are easy to see and recognize. Others are hidden in the shadows, obscured by the dark.

This one, "the-one-who-abandons-ship" aspect, I never even met until this very moment.

She's an aspect of myself that I didn't want to acknowledge, hence why I never knew she was showing up in some very important places in my life.

As I sit here and write, I become curious.

With hand over heart,I close my eyes, and allow her to come out of the dark and into the light.

I try to feel her.

I get a sense that she is scared.

I wonder what she is scared of.

I get an answer from within me. "Of feeling like a failure."

None of what is going on right now is intellectual. I can actually feel her while also accessing a higher aspect of myself. I have been doing this work for many years, and with that being said, I still discovered her today. I'm glad I did.

As I continue to dialogue with this aspect of myself, I begin to feel compassion. I sense a younger version of myself. Someone who was told that she was stupid for not knowing. Someone who was left to figure it out on her own. Someone who didn't have any support.

My eyes well up. I try not to be overtaken by her emotions and move back to a higher aspect of myself.

This aspect of me, the one who abandons ship, just wants to be seen, heard and acknowledged.

When I don't know what to do or how to do it she gets scared and decides it's best to leave before I look stupid or like a failure.

Right now, I'm so glad I met her. I'm glad this website offered her an opportunity to tug at my heart strings and let me know that she was there.

So who's showing up in your life?

This is a very important question.

Noticing and tending to the parts of ourselves that show up in our lives heals us. This healing allows us to show up to our children's experiences with a clean slate. With the ability to leave our own history behind we are better able to respond from the now moment.

Next time you have a reaction, take time to notice what aspect of you is showing up.

Be curious.

Then have compassion for that part of you that reacted.

Make this your practice moving forward and see how your relationship to yourself and your children changes naturally.

show up

There are times when I'm watching someone on YouTube or listening to a podcast or reading a book and I think, "Wow. These people just showed up to their calling and kept showing up every day and here we are now."

It's not easy to show up.

Especially to the blank page of any new adventure.

When I become aware of the fact that the person I'm listening to in that moment showed up and gave me something of value, I feel honored and grateful.

All the authors who wrote the books that changed my life, or made me laugh or gave me food for thought - thank you.

I'm so grateful you showed up.

All the singers and songwriters who made my day, lifted my spirits and made my body move - thank you.

I'm so grateful you showed up.

All the Youtubers, podcasters, blog writers, instagrammers who showed up for free to share something they experienced, made a difference for them or inspired them - thank you.

I'm so grateful you showed up.

For all the people who show up day-in and day-out, I would venture to say that something within us is asking us to, is calling us to.

But not all of us heed the call.

Something stops us, and that something is the inherited beliefs that keep us small.

What gets us to show up to the spaces we create?

In this section we'll take a closer look at what it takes to show up.

Meanwhile, take a moment to notice the things you learn on YouTube, the podcast you're listening to, the music you sing along to in the car, the local cafe that makes you feel at home - all these people had to start by just showing up.

With Much Love,

Maria