so what does compassion look like?

This I know for sure. That we must first feel compassion for ourselves before we can feel compassion for others.

Compassion first comes from the realization that we are all humans. All of us, having a human experience.

As humans, we are always learning. Always floundering. Always perfectly imperfect.

We tend to forget that. We put on the masks. We pretend we know what we're doing so no one realizes how flawed we really are. We hide underneath the personality.

It is only when we are able to lift our own mask, see what lies beneath and make peace with that part of ourselves that we can begin to genuinely feel compassion for others.

True Story:

I am angry. I am angry at my husband. He needed me to go to a doctor's appointment so I can learn how to treat an open wound. I look at my calendar and tell him I'm free on Mondays and Wednesdays. Those are the days I can go. He gets on the phone and takes some time to talk to the nurse. When it's time to set up the appointment he makes the appointment for a Tuesday. I'm hearing this happen right in front of me so I say I can't do Tuesdays. He choose to ignore me. This act has angered me all week. No matter how much I say to myself, "He's helped me before. I've needed him in the past. I've been sick and he has taken care of me", nothing feels good. These line of thinking don't ease the anger.

Some of us think this is what compassion looks like. The "I've been there before" talk that goes on in our heads. Convincing ourselves that we've been there before so we know how they feel is not the compassion I'm talking about.

So what is it?

Here is how this situation went:

I sit with the anger. I give myself permission to feel it. I find myself saying I'm allowed to be angry. This is the opening. If I didn't allow my anger to be there, I would push it down as I'm apt to do. I don't say anything to him. I just act irritated and frustrated. I'm totally annoyed. The annoyance is masking the anger. I shift from allowing my anger to be there to feeling curious. Where does this anger stem from? What am I angry about? I go with not feeling seen and heard. This doesn't satiate me. I'm still angry. So I know I haven't accessed the origin point.

I think about him. He made this appointment knowing that I said I can't do Tuesdays. I put myself in his shoes. He had a cyst removed from his back a few weeks ago. As soon as the stitches came off, the wound opened up. The doctor was out for the week so it basically stayed open the whole week until we were able to see him on his first day back. Putting myself in his shoes, I felt his fear. The wound being in his back is hard to see. He knows it's open and can easily get infected. When have I acted in fear that way? When had I dismissed another's desires out of my fear of being hurt and suffering? I know I do that all time when it comes to the kids. I have dismissed my children's needs for fear of my own suffering. I remember one particular story when my 13 year old son wanted to move his bedroom into the in-law suite. I told him it wasn't going to happen. I came up with a million excuses. He was a teenager. I couldn't keep my eyes on him. Whatever it was. When I reflected on my reaction, I realized that I wasn't ready to let him go. I would "suffer" if he left the main house to live in the in-law suite.

This is the compassion I am searching for. That click that says I too have been there before. I have been in his fear. I have felt the same fear. Compassion isn't "You helped me in the past when I needed tending so I will help you now that you need tending."

My mind won't tell me what it is. Only when I drop into my heart can I see how I too have been in his shoes.

There's a softening around this situation. The anger has dissipated.

Now when I speak to him I can say, from my heart and with love for myself and him, please try to honor my wishes if you ever need me to go to an appointment. I'm sure he will hear me. And if not, I know it isn't about me, because I'm committed to speaking from the heart.

I'm really learning how to have compassion for myself in ways that I could have never imagined.

This heart-felt way of living allows me to have compassion for others.

With Love,

Maria